I haven’t written a blog post for a while. Mainly, this is
because I cannot decide what my opinion is on several things, and I am too
confused to offer any comment. A realisation that pretty much everything I
write is confused made me post this anyway.
But one small example of this confusion is over Osborne’s New
Buy, or whatever it’s called, property pyramid scheme: this has managed to
confuse me to such a degree that I have decided to stop even trying to predict
what might happen in the property market, as it is pointless and clearly now
totally f*****g insane beyond all measure. Some analysts think it will push
prices up by 30% when it is introduced next year. I offer that without comment.
So, onwards: anyway, I write a regular column for a property
magazine, which has, I am told, over nine readers in Northern Europe alone. I
am paid 38p a word, so every time I write two words I pop out and buy a Twix. I
have put on a lot of weight in the past year or two. About three months ago I
completely ran out of things to say, but keep submitting copy as I like eating
chocolate.
Actually, that’s not quite true: I do have one more thing to
say, but I can’t write about it as they won’t let me, so I will say it here:
SURVEYORS HATE
EVERYONE IN PROPERTY WHO ISN’T A SURVEYOR.
There, I’ve said it. I feel comfortable saying that, because
I don’t hate everyone – but then I came to surveying late(ish) so still think
of myself as an outsider. But it’s true: and it is entirely based in jealousy.
This is because: a surveyor’s typical fee on a house sale
will be, say, £700 – take out tax, petrol, a few quid for a pastie and admin
costs and you’re left with -£64.57 (we have very good accountants).
But an agent, who uploads a few photos online and shows some
people round, makes on average, say, several thousand pounds at least for each
property sold. So, despite the fact that now to become a surveyor you need to
spend years studying for a Post Grad degree, then a few years in structured
training and then sit professional exams – it is all to earn less than an
estate agent, normally with very few qualifications at all.
BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! Oh no. What about developers? Surveyors
think they’re idiots. They earn millions, and normally know f**k all! I have
yet to meet a successful commercial developer with ANY qualifications. And even
worse, loads of people do it non-professionally, and they make money too!
Part-time people. People who just buy a house because they have just bought a
house, and then the price rose and they paid no tax on the gain and they have
still made far more in property without even thinking about it than the
surveyor, who has spent years studying and learning about property, will ever
make in their lifetime. So who is, in fact, the idiot in these scenarios?
(Answer: Nick Clegg).
There aren’t many other professional areas where you can
dabble and make millions – historically, say, a civil servant could have bought
a buy to let and made more in a few years on a rising market than they earned
from their salary. I couldn’t dabble in medical research at weekends and
accidentally make several hundred thousand pounds.
This is why surveyors are bitter people, consumed by the
torment that is the knowledge that they are the only people who have spent
years studying to qualify as a property professional, and yet make less than
pretty much everyone else in property.
Not me though. I’m not bitter. I have five Twix bars to eat.
I’ll leave you with this thought: ten years ago the UK’s
housing stock was worth an estimated £2.9 trillion. Within just five years, at
the peak of the market, this figure had rocketed to £5.4 trillion. Today it
stands at £5 trillion.
Are we trillions of pounds richer than ten years ago, just
because we are valuing out houses at higher prices? Discuss.
Then smack your head against the desk.
